So Long, And Goodnight
by WrinkledPages
Summary: How he loved those eyes. How fitting for those eyes to be the last thing he sees.


"_Just like a hearse, you die to get in again._

_We are so far from you._

_Burning on,_

_Just like a match you strike to incinerate, _

_The lives of everyone you know._

_And what's the worst that you take,_

_From every heart you break?_

_And like a blade you stain,_

_Well, I've been holding on tonight."_

* * *

><p>He watches her. He can't tear his eyes away from her as she walks from classes, her mouth stretched wide in a smile and her bright hair swinging down her back. He remembers when he caused that smile. He remembers when she smiled at him, when she laughed with him, when she <em>talked <em>to him.

"_I'm sorry, Lily! You know I am!" His voice echoed down the empty corridor, bouncing off the walls, amplifying his shame. _

"_Yeah, well, 'sorry' only gets you so far, doesn't it, Sev?"_

"_What else is there to say?" He would say anything. Anything to have her look at him without so much disappointment._

"_Nothing. It's too late." Her voice holds regret, but not enough. Severus reaches out to grab her hand, but she's already gone._

When he isn't looking at her, he's thinking about her. The beautiful Lily Evans and her long red hair and big green eyes. Her laugh like bells, her twisted humor. The way she would know exactly what to say to make him feel better.

"Snape?" The question comes from a voice Severus was familiar with, one he associated with humiliation and a small amount of fear: Sirius Black. His hand went immediately to his wand.

"What do _you _want?" As far as Severus was concerned, Black was one of the primary reasons why Lily no longer spoke to him, and Severus hated him for it. He hated every _inch _of him.

"Lily sent me."

"_Lily sent me."_

_Severus raised an eyebrow at the young Gryffindor girl standing before him. "Why?"_

"_She wanted me to tell you that you needed to stop," the girl murmured, her large brown eyes flickering from place to place, never resting on him._

"_Needed to stop what?" Severus questioned, his heartbeat quickening._

"_She didn't say… she just said, 'tell him he needs to stop.'" _

"_Oh," Severus said, looking back down at the Slytherin table. He knew what she meant; she wanted him to stop sending letters, calling out her name, attempting to make eye contact. He needed to stop wanting her. He needed to stop needing her, loving her._

"Why?" Severus murmured, his grip on his wand relaxing only slightly.

"She wanted me to tell you that … there's a knot, in the Whomping Willow, that freezes the branches. If you press it, you'll be able to get into the tunnel." Sirius said this with a blank face, but his eyes were on fire with anger.

Severus didn't really understand the message at all, but he said, "okay."

That night, he went out onto the grounds and to the ancient tree, doing exactly as Lily's instructions said. His heart was in his throat as he crawled through the tunnel, and his stomach in knots, because he knew she must be waiting for him up there. And he had no idea what to say to her.

_Weeks went by, and Severus looked thinner and paler than he normally did. There were very noticeable bags under his eyes, making them look like black holes, and making him look like a ghost. But he tried. Every day he tried to not think of her; and Merlin, he was failing. Everything reminded him of her: the swish of his cloak as he walked, the hoot of an owl at breakfast, _everything. _She was everything._

_He passed her in the hall, but he didn't look up. He kept his black-pit eyes downcast and pretended he was someone else. Like Potter._

As it turns out, Lily Evans isn't waiting for him. Instead, Severus sees a horrorstruck James Potter, a scared-looking Peter Pettigrew, a darkly smug Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin in the process of transforming into a werewolf.

"Snape? What the hell are you doing here?" Potter is the first one to break the silence, naturally, and he looks close to being sick.

Before Severus could respond - not that he had anything to say - a guttural growl broke the silence of the room, and a giant dog took Sirius Black's place.

The next thing Severus knew, James nearly knocked the wind out of him by grabbing him around the stomach, and the hazel-eyed boy was screaming profanities at Black over his shoulder.

Severus didn't say a word until they were back at the castle.

_A thirty-eight year old Severus Snape lay on the floor of the ancient tree on the Hogwarts grounds, his eyes glazed over. He remembered that night. He remembered the hope in his chest, the way he couldn't stop thinking about how glad he was that Lily had finally forgiven him - and he remembered the day after. When everything sank in. When the hurt, the betrayal, and the rage colored Lily Evans' picture in Severus' mind. His love for her was tainted, but still he lived for her. _

_Footsteps approached him, and Harry Potter was looking down on him with Lily's eyes. How he loved those eyes. How fitting for those eyes to be the last thing he sees._

* * *

><p>"<em>What's the worst that I could say?<em>

_Things are better if I stay._

_So long,_

_And goodnight."_


End file.
